Making a second marriage a success

Husband David and me at our wedding with my children Anthony and Louise

A year has passed since my husband and I said “I do” for the second time in our lives and we still haven’t killed each other, or our love, but there have been some close calls.

Having become statistics in our first marriage breakdowns, we are determined not to go down that path again, although there was more to lose in our children’s well-being in our first marriage failures.

In hindsight, we both concede that we could have done things better to prevent our first marriages from breaking down. But there is no going back, even if we were free and our first spouses were as well.

So here we are in our autumn years, seeking out a permanent monogamous relationship as we did when we were younger – knowing that the statistics for second marriages surviving are worse than for first marriages.

In the western world, 40-50 per cent of first marriages fail and something like 60-70 per cent of second marriages end in divorce. Marriage is one thing that experience and maturity does not improve, it seems.

So, why do we bother – especially when we are beyond childbearing years and likely to be less healthy and crankier?!

Well, speaking for my husband and me, it could be because when things are good, they are very good. We still have reasonably active libidos but, also, just cuddling up to a loved one at night is comforting.

It also gives us someone to care about, other than our adult children who prefer we don’t fuss over them too much. I know I would be a much more obsessive mum to my grown children, even though they are not at home, if I didn’t have a husband to care for. I would be bugging them to see them more and would begin to sound a little needy to them.

I am the sort of person who needs to care for someone and to have someone care for me. So is my husband. It is precisely this sort of person who is suited to live-in companionship, with all its ups and downs.

You would have to heed lessons of the past to make a second marriage work. We know how to avoid arguments, how not to get het up too much over trivial matters. That is not to say we don’t argue or annoy each other, by any means.

But, with maturity, we know how to apologise without being too proud, to admit if we are wrong (most of the time) and to know that life is too short to be in a huff. Life is getting shorter for us and we want to enjoy the time we have left.

No matter what your age, you should retain some of the good features of youth – such as playfulness, optimism, and living day to day.

That is the philosophy of my dear old man and me. Now, just let me check to see if he’s done the washing up . . . . . .

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